Missing Green Flags
When chaos feels like chemistry, steady can feel “too easy.” That’s negativity bias at work—your brain is wired to scan for threats, not tenderness. Let’s train your attention to notice what’s actually good for you.
What Green Flags Look Like (in Texts)
Appreciation: “Thanks for inviting me — I loved meeting your friends.”
Consistency: “I’m running late; arriving 6:10. Want anything?”
Reciprocity: “Let me plan Saturday so you can relax.”
Why We Miss Them
- Novelty bias: drama is louder than steady care.
- Attachment wiring: avoidant/anxious patterns normalize distance or pursuit.
- Algorithm effect: social feeds reward extremes; you start expecting them.
The Big Three Greens
- Consistency: plans, follow‑through, repair after conflict.
- Emotional safety: you can say no, ask questions, and feel heard.
- Reciprocity: effort and care flow both directions.
Spotting Practice (One Week)
- Capture three small “bids for connection” daily (Gottman’s term).
- Respond to bids with presence; test how it changes the tone.
- Journal one example of repair after a misunderstanding.
References & Further Reading
- Gottman Institute — Bids for connection research (gottman.com)
- Psychology Today — Negativity bias in relationships
- APA — Articles on attachment & secure functioning (apa.org)
FAQ: Noticing Green Flags
Why does healthy feel boring at first?
Novelty bias and old wiring make drama feel exciting. Steady attention can feel unfamiliar until your nervous system recalibrates.
What green flags matter most early on?
Consistency, repair after misunderstandings, and reciprocity in effort.
How can I train myself to notice greens?
Write three daily “bids for connection” you saw and how you responded.
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