Ignoring Red Flags
Cognitive dissonance (Festinger) and sunk‑cost bias keep us attached to what we’ve already invested in. Hope can be beautiful — but in dating, hope without data becomes self‑gaslighting. Let’s face reality kindly and early.
Common Red Flag Scripts (and Healthier Alternatives)
Excuse: “Stop being crazy, I was just out.” → no details
Green: “I’m out with John tonight — I’ll text when I’m home.”
Deflect: “Relax, you’re overreacting.”
Green: “I can’t talk now; can we set a time tomorrow?”
Future fake: “I’ll change, just one more chance.”
Green: “Here’s what I’ll change and by when.”
3‑Step Reality Check
- Name it: Write recurring lines you hear (“busy again,” “you’re crazy”).
- Test it: One boundary + one request; look for action, not apology.
- Decide: If it repeats, it’s a pattern — end contact kindly and completely.
Self‑Protection
- Tell a friend your plan; ask them to mirror you back.
- Block instead of monitoring.
- Journal what you did right, not just what hurt.
References & Further Reading
- Journal of Social and Personal Relationships — Accountability & commitment
- Psychology Today — Cognitive dissonance in dating decisions
- Gottman Institute — Repair vs. defensiveness (gottman.com)
FAQ: Ignoring Red Flags
What’s the difference between grace and self-gaslighting?
Grace allows a one-off mistake with repair; self-gaslighting ignores repeated behavior that violates your standards.
How many chances are reasonable?
One clear request + one chance to repair. If it repeats, treat it as the rule.
How do I leave kindly but firmly?
“This doesn’t work for me. I’m stepping back. Wishing you well.” Then block/close loops.
Analyze a Message (free) Unlimited Analysis — $12/mo
Red flags hide in repetition. Unlimited lets you decode not just “one weird text,” but the trend.